Am I Dreaming?

This little darling is mine! I have to keep reminding myself that she is! I am BLESSED beyond measure! Everyday I learn something new from London. Everyday I thank God for her! She is my life, and I look back and wonder, "What did I do before I had London?" lol My life must have been pretty boring!! Again, I must say that I am BLESSED! She is a true gift from God. This little cutie makes my horrible days better, and my good days awesome! She is the light of my life. My mini me. :-)

Here goes my my-baby-is-growing-up rant. In 1 1/2 months London will be ONE! Ummm...excuse me? Who said she could grow up so fast?!?! Certainly not me! I can't believe it. Just one year ago, I was wondering what my little sweetheart inside of my belly would look like. Wondering if I would be a good mommy. Wondering if I would have a hard labor. Wondering so much! I can't say that the wondering has stopped, but I know what she looks like, I feel like I'm a good mommy, and I definitely had a crazy labor! lol But I would not trade any of it, for anything in the world. Through all of the sleepless nights (there really weren't that many), through the first teeth, through the worrying if she was developing like she should, introducing solids, taking a picture every month, enjoying the giggles, the smiles, the cries...all of it...I am thankful! I am thankful everyday for her! I am thankful for the interrupted sleep, because that means she is here! I am thankful for the nights when she doesn't want to go to bed, or stay asleep, because that means that I get to hold her just a little longer. :-) I secretly love when she cries for me and won't go to anyone else, because it makes me feel so loved! I am even thankful for her crankiness, because I am her mommy, and she is my baby girl, and I am just thankful for her!!

Look at that gorgeous baby! How can I NOT be thankful for her?! I love her to pieces!!

The Binky Bandit!!

My daughter is a bully! Yup, you read that correctly, a bully. Just ask her babysitter. She'll surely tell you.

Incident one. There's a little girl named Hailey that is about two months younger than London who also goes to the same babysitter. Hailey wears a bib most of the time, and at one point the babysitter looks over and London has Hailey by the bib and is just shaking away!! My kid is 8 months old and she's already had time out. ha ha Well, not really, but they were separated for a little bit. :-)

Incident two. The Binky Bandit. Same babies involved here. London v/s Hailey. Hailey is a binky baby, London isn't. Well, London is evidently jealous. Hailey has her binky attached to her clothing by a strap, and little London thinks it's a leash! She's always grabbing for it! So, she has been dubbed the Binky Bandit. lol Poor Hailey!!

In other news, I am planning a first birthday party! Yes, you read that right too. My little baby girl will be one year old in 3 1/2 months!! Well, less than that now! Where did my year go?!?! I have enjoyed every minute of it, but wow! I can't believe that I will be soon saying goodbye to her infant years. Time sure does fly. I know there are many other mommy friends of mine that are facing the same thing. I am however, looking forward to the next stage of her young life and so very thankful that I get to spend that time with her.

Mommy Needs a Break...

Or so I have been told. ha ha Andy is constantly trying to get me to live my little princess for some "mommy" time. I just don't feel the need to. Yes, the other night was STRESSFUL! BUT, I unwound by spending time with him once we FINALLY got London to sleep. I'm sure that I do need some time away, but I spend 8am to 5pm away, and two nights a week I spend 5pm to 12am away from her. So, I don't feel like I need anymore time than that! Maybe I'm fooling myself. lol

Strangers in the Night

Andy and I are strangers in the night. Not by choice, mind you. And not because we want to be strangers. But because we have a little girl, that WILL NOT go to sleep easily.

This weekend has been the worst that we've had it in a long time. Back up...five months old, London's pediatrician recommended we do CIO (Cry It Out). I freaked, as I'm sure you know, because I don't BELIEVE in CIO. It's not for me. I don't want my little precious bundle of joy laying in her crib, realizing that mommy and daddy are NOT coming to soothe her, and learning that she just has to go it alone. I don't want to see the fear cross her face when we try to lay her down and she realizes that soon we will walk out of that room, for what seems like forever to her. I DON'T. But, under encouragement from everyone, including family and friends, Andy and I decided to give it a go. And we did, for three months. London is eight months now. The first week was hell. The second week was easier, and by the end of the first month, we had a little girl that would sleep through the night like a trooper. But she STILL whined when we tried to put her to bed. And now she screams when we get near her crib! Ummm...not a happy baby. In fact, even worse than a happy baby. A very pissed off baby! However, it did affect her mood during the day. It actually gave us a happier baby...but she wouldn't nap. UGH. Well, one thing at a time.

Fast forward to Christmas. A few days after Christmas, London began to get whinier when we tried to put her to bed. She would wail loudly. It broke my heart. And it only continued. And now, we are into full blown screaming. This week has been the worst of them all. Thursday night, she actually went to bed with very minimal crying at all. Friday night was not as good, but still not half as bad as it has been. Saturday night...pure hell! Our baby girl has a cold, and she's teething, and this makes for a bad combination at bedtime. She screamed when putting her to bed. OK, she's cranky because she's tired and doesn't feel good. So I held her and rocked her, and she finally went to sleep in my arms, and I laid her down and World War III broke out! About thirty minutes later, she was out for the count. This was 9:30. At 12:00 she was back up, for 45 minutes before Andy came and woke me to nurse her. Then she fell asleep in the bed with me, but immediately woke up when we tried to transition her to her own bed. We battled her until 2:00 when she finally went to sleep. But she was back up at 4:00. Andy took over again at 6. Sheesh! No nap today either. Grrrrr.

Tonight took an hour. And LOTS of crying. :-( Isn't this what I said I don't want to do???

This is why Andy and I are strangers in the night. And day too. We sleep in shifts. We eat in shifts. We clean in shifts. We play in shifts. We don't do anything together anymore really. I know it gets better, but I just will whine a little until then. lol

I'm at my very wits end. I purchased "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" book on Friday. But I haven't had the chance to read it. I so hope it helps!!!

A Tooth! A Wedding!

I see a tooth! Well, two toofies, by the time I'm actually writing this blog! London's bottom two teeth are poking through her little gums. My little toothless smiles are soon coming to an end! :-( But with it, comes the cute little teeth smile!! I can't wait, but I can, all at the same time! Of course, this means more of a variety of foods. Yippee! She is handling teething like a little trooper. So far. lol She has gone into another sleep regression, but we aren't sure that the two are related.

I can't believe how much love I have for this little girl, every time I look at her. My world revolves around her. Andy is always encouraging me to go out, but I really have no desire to leave London. I get enough time away from her while I am working, and I hate it! But, I know I need time away, to do something for myself. I just don't want to right now. lol The other night, she was SO cranky, and I got frustrated, I was frazzled by the time Andy got home. I had got a cup of tea and gotten in a really hot bath. Andy said, "See, this is why you need time away." I replied, "I just got time away, she's in bed, and I'm enjoying a cup of tea and a bath. That's good enough for me." :-) And it is!

The wedding. Wow. Time is flying! We have booked the church! October 16 is the day. Now we need a reception site. Boo! It's really hard getting all of this pulled together. But we are trying. I feel stressed about it! ha ha But I hope it will be just as fun as I plan for it to be! Now, I just have to get everything together. ha ha

Is My Journey Ending?

Well, six months and three weeks have passed since I had my precious little baby girl. And during that six months, she has had formula only a handful of times, in the beginning, when my supply was struggling. Ever since the beginning, I have struggled to keep my supply flowing. I have tried, and tried. I have ate cookies, taken pills, gotten up in the middle of the night when she has not, pumped like a crazy woman, and nursed like a crazier woman. On London's six month appointment, her pediatrician informs me that she isn't gaining weight as she should be, and that she needs more ounces in her bottles. "But she's not hungry after I feed her!" I protest, not wanting to be ruled as the bad mommy in the room. He explains that she has just gotten used to eating only four ounces at a time, and that a healthy baby requires AT LEAST 24 ounces a day, but should be eating more. What?! My daughter has been getting around 20 ounces...Uh-oh! I immediately realize that I just don't produce enough breast milk for that!!! My mind flashes to my freezer, where ten little bags of formula sit, and I panic, knowing that those will quickly disappear, since my supply has dropped even more in the past few days. Panic!! What am I to do? Do I HAVE to give her formula? I can't imagine loosing the bonding time with her! It's our special time to be together. Something that NO ONE else can give her! Something that only I can provide. As selfish as it sounds, even her Daddy can't compare to that! What am I supposed to do? Tears well up in my eyes, and my mind is racing. I'm trying to think of what I am doing wrong. What can I do differently? How can I FIX this?!?

During the last week and a half, I have been kicking it into higher gear trying to build my milk supply back up. No luck! It's just not working out for me. I am too exhausted to get up in the middle of the night anymore, and interrupt what little sleep I do get, to pump. Yet, here I am, freaking out because my supply is running so low that today MIGHT be her last day of solely breast milk! I'm devastated. Not only because I feel like I failed her. But I feel like my body has betrayed me!! I know of plenty of mommies that are doing just fine nursing their little ones. But not this mommy. I'm the mommy that has made it to six months, and now I'm possibly not going to make it to even seven. :-( It's so heartbreaking.

I keep watching her when she nurses, and feel like crying on the spot. I can't help but wonder, "Will this be the last time that I get to nurse her?" I really wanted it to be my decision when I would stop. Somewhere around 12 months. But, instead, it's not my decision at all. I am being forced to deal with it being out of my control. I don't want to lose control. It is one of the best things I have done for my little girl. I want to continue! I want to do more! It's what is best for her. :-(

My friends have suggested so many things, and they have been wonderful in trying to help me cope with this. Keep trying. Sometimes it's not meant to be. Try donated breastmilk (although I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do that). Don't give up. Pump more. Feed more. Take pills. Take prescriptions. Let it go. HOW??? Even they can't make me truly feel better about this.

I feel like an extreme failure. I feel like I haven't done all that I can do to stop this from happening. And in reality, I probably have not. But it some ways I know I tried my best, and my hardest. I've been dedicated. But it's not enough. It's never been enough. And in some ways, while I've given London the best start, she's also suffered some from that too. And that is probably what kills me the most.

Merry Christmas to me! And maybe even to you!

Usually, I only use my personal blog for blogging about my new family, but this offer, I couldn't resist! Shutterfly is giving away 50 free Christmas cards if you blog about their promotion. Seriously?!? I can do that! And what's better, is I'm blogging about a company that I really LOVE.
As you all know, I am a photographer. I use Shutterfly a lot to order prints of the pictures that I take. And I really love the fact that they are FAST! I also must confess that I enjoy getting the email that says, "A big orange package is on it's way to you!" ha ha That really makes my day! An added bonus is that I can print pictures to any Target store and pick some prints up the day of my request. How convenient is that? VERY!
I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to be checking out Shutterfly for ordering my family calendars next year too. The photos that I include in them are priceless gifts of our vacations, and I know the family really enjoys them too. Just think, with the quality that Shutterfly has on prints, I'm excited to see what the calendars would look like!
So, this year, I plan to send Christmas photo cards with London's pictures on them. I'm a little behind, but have no fear that I can get it done. lol Shutterfly is going to help so much in that category! I've been looking at cards online, and must admit there are so many that I want to
order. I can't have them all though. lol These two are favorites, I must say.











So many choices, so little time! But I know that whichever card I choose, it will turn out great!
I have ordered photo books a lot here lately, from Shutterfly. They are always quick to arrive. I'm glad that I don't have to wait, and wait. Sometimes, they even come in less time than the order confirmation email says to allow. That's ALWAYS a plus! I am ordering two photo books for our parents as Christmas presents this year. I can't wait to see their faces when they open them. I know they'll enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed mine. They are a great way to preserve memories.
I might check out the coffee mugs next. My mother loves her coffee, and she also loves pictures of her grandkids. So maybe those two can go hand in hand. The possibilities for gifts are endless! And now, I've talked myself into looking at the website some more for more ideas!
Have you checked out Shutterfly yet? lol What are you waiting for?! Their quality is awesome! Their website is friendly. Their delivery is FAST. I love everything about them. As if you need anymore reasons, you can check out getting your free Christmas cards by clicking here. There are lots of beautiful cards for you to pick from. What's even better, is if you can't decide on just one, you have many more. Order several different designs if you have to! ENJOY!!