Is My Journey Ending?

Well, six months and three weeks have passed since I had my precious little baby girl. And during that six months, she has had formula only a handful of times, in the beginning, when my supply was struggling. Ever since the beginning, I have struggled to keep my supply flowing. I have tried, and tried. I have ate cookies, taken pills, gotten up in the middle of the night when she has not, pumped like a crazy woman, and nursed like a crazier woman. On London's six month appointment, her pediatrician informs me that she isn't gaining weight as she should be, and that she needs more ounces in her bottles. "But she's not hungry after I feed her!" I protest, not wanting to be ruled as the bad mommy in the room. He explains that she has just gotten used to eating only four ounces at a time, and that a healthy baby requires AT LEAST 24 ounces a day, but should be eating more. What?! My daughter has been getting around 20 ounces...Uh-oh! I immediately realize that I just don't produce enough breast milk for that!!! My mind flashes to my freezer, where ten little bags of formula sit, and I panic, knowing that those will quickly disappear, since my supply has dropped even more in the past few days. Panic!! What am I to do? Do I HAVE to give her formula? I can't imagine loosing the bonding time with her! It's our special time to be together. Something that NO ONE else can give her! Something that only I can provide. As selfish as it sounds, even her Daddy can't compare to that! What am I supposed to do? Tears well up in my eyes, and my mind is racing. I'm trying to think of what I am doing wrong. What can I do differently? How can I FIX this?!?

During the last week and a half, I have been kicking it into higher gear trying to build my milk supply back up. No luck! It's just not working out for me. I am too exhausted to get up in the middle of the night anymore, and interrupt what little sleep I do get, to pump. Yet, here I am, freaking out because my supply is running so low that today MIGHT be her last day of solely breast milk! I'm devastated. Not only because I feel like I failed her. But I feel like my body has betrayed me!! I know of plenty of mommies that are doing just fine nursing their little ones. But not this mommy. I'm the mommy that has made it to six months, and now I'm possibly not going to make it to even seven. :-( It's so heartbreaking.

I keep watching her when she nurses, and feel like crying on the spot. I can't help but wonder, "Will this be the last time that I get to nurse her?" I really wanted it to be my decision when I would stop. Somewhere around 12 months. But, instead, it's not my decision at all. I am being forced to deal with it being out of my control. I don't want to lose control. It is one of the best things I have done for my little girl. I want to continue! I want to do more! It's what is best for her. :-(

My friends have suggested so many things, and they have been wonderful in trying to help me cope with this. Keep trying. Sometimes it's not meant to be. Try donated breastmilk (although I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do that). Don't give up. Pump more. Feed more. Take pills. Take prescriptions. Let it go. HOW??? Even they can't make me truly feel better about this.

I feel like an extreme failure. I feel like I haven't done all that I can do to stop this from happening. And in reality, I probably have not. But it some ways I know I tried my best, and my hardest. I've been dedicated. But it's not enough. It's never been enough. And in some ways, while I've given London the best start, she's also suffered some from that too. And that is probably what kills me the most.

Merry Christmas to me! And maybe even to you!

Usually, I only use my personal blog for blogging about my new family, but this offer, I couldn't resist! Shutterfly is giving away 50 free Christmas cards if you blog about their promotion. Seriously?!? I can do that! And what's better, is I'm blogging about a company that I really LOVE.
As you all know, I am a photographer. I use Shutterfly a lot to order prints of the pictures that I take. And I really love the fact that they are FAST! I also must confess that I enjoy getting the email that says, "A big orange package is on it's way to you!" ha ha That really makes my day! An added bonus is that I can print pictures to any Target store and pick some prints up the day of my request. How convenient is that? VERY!
I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to be checking out Shutterfly for ordering my family calendars next year too. The photos that I include in them are priceless gifts of our vacations, and I know the family really enjoys them too. Just think, with the quality that Shutterfly has on prints, I'm excited to see what the calendars would look like!
So, this year, I plan to send Christmas photo cards with London's pictures on them. I'm a little behind, but have no fear that I can get it done. lol Shutterfly is going to help so much in that category! I've been looking at cards online, and must admit there are so many that I want to
order. I can't have them all though. lol These two are favorites, I must say.











So many choices, so little time! But I know that whichever card I choose, it will turn out great!
I have ordered photo books a lot here lately, from Shutterfly. They are always quick to arrive. I'm glad that I don't have to wait, and wait. Sometimes, they even come in less time than the order confirmation email says to allow. That's ALWAYS a plus! I am ordering two photo books for our parents as Christmas presents this year. I can't wait to see their faces when they open them. I know they'll enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed mine. They are a great way to preserve memories.
I might check out the coffee mugs next. My mother loves her coffee, and she also loves pictures of her grandkids. So maybe those two can go hand in hand. The possibilities for gifts are endless! And now, I've talked myself into looking at the website some more for more ideas!
Have you checked out Shutterfly yet? lol What are you waiting for?! Their quality is awesome! Their website is friendly. Their delivery is FAST. I love everything about them. As if you need anymore reasons, you can check out getting your free Christmas cards by clicking here. There are lots of beautiful cards for you to pick from. What's even better, is if you can't decide on just one, you have many more. Order several different designs if you have to! ENJOY!!

So Much For...

So much for the 30 Days project! I got pretty far, but in the end, my busy schedule won out. Oh well. lol

London, London, London. This little girl is the joy of my life!! I can't get enough! We did her 5 month pictures this past month, and I must say they turned out great! I really love the way she pouts. I do wish she would smile more. lol But she is the cutest anyway. :-)

30 Days-Day 23

Something you crave for a lot.

Chai Tea! Thai Food!

30 Days-Day 22

What makes you different than everyone else?

Everything. I am me and no one else. While I am similar to people in many ways, I am one person that can't be duplicated. Unless you count my little clone, London. ha ha I can't really describe how I am different, I just am.

30 Days-Day 21

Two of my favorite things, Fall, and the Blue Ridge Parkway. I love this time of year, and I love traveling on the BRP and taking pictures.
A picture of something that makes you happy.

30 Days-Day 20

Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

Definitely Andy! And that's a good thing, because I'm marrying him next year and he's London's daddy! lol Seriously, I want to be with him for the rest of my life. We have had our ups and downs, but the numerous good times absolutely out-weigh the bad! I <3 him!